For Pictures Please See...

It's annoying to post pictures a thousand places. Perhaps someday in the distant future I will have time to email myself some pictures and then save them to this computer and then post them here. For now, please visit my facebook page- Jennifer Garner Silverstein (jlg830@gmail.com) or our YouTube channel http://www.youtube.com/user/jlg830?feature=mhum.

I Did Like Them After All

The period following the water breakage was even more boring than the period before and frankly, a lot more painful. Also, I was constantly leaking like leaky faucet. Gross. The feti wouldn't let me lay in more than one position without pushing in places that should never, never be pushed. Never. Also I started to itch like crazy, especially on my hands and feet but really just about everywhere. Some doc that I saw about once a week sent away for a blood test. He didn't even tell me what he was looking for and apparently didn't tell anyone else that he had ordered the test. Add to that the twice daily NSTs (go back and read up on that one) and you have a recipe for annoyance. I couldn't even crochet anymore because it hurt too much. Every day closer to 34 was exciting because I was sure that since I had made it this far I would keep limping along.

I went to bed on February 17th but couldn't sleep. I wasn't feeling more pain or more contractions or anything more than normal except that I had to poo like 5 times. I was up til 4am because I was just generally uncomfortable. Considering I was in pretty much a constant state of discomfort this wasn't exactly something to write home about. I had spent other sleepless nights and been able to sleep it off throughout the next day. Well, at about 5:15am, an hour or so after I had FINALLY fallen asleep, I woke up SOAKING wet. Like the entire bed was soaked. I got up cause what the heck else do you do. Just as I stood up the Nurse's Assistant came in. As I stand up there is TONS of fluid just rushing out of me. It sounded like someone was running a hose all over the ground. The Nursing Assistant says,

"Good Morning, how... What is leaking?"

I look at her with a sort of deer in the headlights look and said, "ME."

She told me to take a seat but I had to pee really bad so I told her I had to go to the bathroom. She went and got the nurse who, ironically, was Floater again. I had never had her before my first broken water night and then the next time I had her was this night. Ha. I went to the bathroom. Took everything off and put on a new gown cause seriously, you do NOT want to be hanging out in fluid-soaked clothes. It's so disgusting. At this point I still wasn't feeling any contractions or extra anything. Like the last time I got a rush of four or five nurses doing all kinds of who knows what in all parts of my body from shoulders to toes and EVERYTHING in between. It was clear that this water break was much more serious than the last one but I still didn't know what was going to happen so I called Eric. I'm pretty sure he was learning to love late night/early morning phone calls to come to the hospital immediately. The doc came in about 15 minutes later and examined me. I wasn't dilated, there were no baby heads popping out, things were good. As they are strapping me to the stretcher I started feeling some contractions. Mildly painful. The nurse asked if I felt a lot of pressure, like I had to poo. I said no more than normal. About 3 minutes after I said that I said, "Floater, you know that pressure you were asking about? I'm feeling it." In the 15 minute transport upstairs the contractions got worse and fast. We were back upstairs (my fave place) and already on all the monitors by 6:15. By this time I was bawling with every contraction. The nurse, who is still trying to set me up asked if the pain was worse than when Doctor 1 examined me. I told her yes, like 100 times worse as I started to be certain I was dying. She called the doctor and reported that "Mrs. Silverstein is very uncomfortable and reports that her contractions are ten times more painful than they were downstairs." Doctor 2 came in and examined me (the same doc who was surprised I kept eking along). Now, only about 30 minutes had elapsed between the exams. During the first exam I was not in labor. Not any more dilated, not having real contractions. Remember that. Also remember that usually labor is like hours long. Hours. I'm sure you know that many women are given drugs to help their labor get going because it takes SO long. Well, at exam 2, a mere 30 minutes after exam 1, I was significantly more dilated (I honestly don't remember how much, it didn't really matter at this point) and the top of a baby head was starting to come out of my vag. Doc immediately got on her little phone. "Hi. This is Lalalala. We have to deliver the triplets. Right now." Then a whole bunch of people came in and took Eric somewhere and wheeled me into an operating room where lots more people showed up. A very nice anesthesia tech told me everything that was happening and told me exactly what to do. (Remember how I wasn't allowed to take the tour because I was in the hospital? Well, this guy was a lifesaver). They tipped me over and shoved a needle in my spine. They lied and said I wouldn't feel pain, only pressure. Bull. That is so untrue. It hurt. I cried a little. That nice man held me. That is when all the pain went away. The contractions stopped, well I stopped feeling them anyway, and I just felt heavy. It was kindof lovely. Of course, as is my habit apparently, I was shaking like crazy so the nice man put an air filled warming blanket over my arms and shoulders. Don't worry, I was still cracking jokes and being sarcastic, which the asian man who replaced the nice man did NOT get at all. Anyway, the blanket made it hard to itch, which I had to do incessantly because of the medicine and my liver enzymes. Oh yeah, so you know that blood test they did 2 days before? Yeah, turns out my liver enzymes were like off the chart and making me itch like mad. Since that doctor hadn't told anyone that he ordered the test they didn't even realize that I had these crazy levels until they were preparing my info for the c-section. Awkward. Apparently, if you are just out on the street this is very dangerous for the fetus but since I was in the hospital and had only been itchy for a couple of days we were just fine.

Once they were ready to cut they let Eric in and had him sit by my head. I didn't feel anything but pulling and pressure and honestly with every baby they pulled out it was like a wave of relief on my body. It felt lighter and I could breathe better. I also heard all of them cry but the doctors wouldn't show them to me which made me angry.

So my water broke around 5:15 and by 7:17 and 7:18 they were all out. It was quite speedy.

After they put me back together again, which took longer than I expected, though it makes sense, I was wheeled to recovery. They kept telling me I'd be there an hour or two but four hours passed before I was allowed to even go look at my babies and then go down to post-partum. Baby A, Eloise Aideh who weighed 3 pounds 5 ounces, got wheeled past me in her isolette on her way to NICU while I was still in recovery. They let me look at her through the glass for like less than a minute. It wasn't exactly an ideal experience. After that long four hour stretch where the kept telling me to sleep but I just kept asking when I could see my babies, they wheeled me in a stretcher to the transitional nursery where baby B, Marie-Pierre Garner who weighed 3 pounds 7 ounces, and baby C, Annecy Campbell who weighed 3 pounds 5 ounces, were waiting for beds to open up in NICU. Happily, a very nice nurse took each of them off their CPAP (weird breathing tube that pushes air into their lungs to expand them) for about 4 or 5 minutes each so I could hold them. It was like awesome. I was literally astouded by how much I liked them. I am usually pretty reticent about liking people right off the bat but man, I took to these ladies quickly.

Pop! Goes The Weasel, No, The Water

In my ever thrilling stay at NYP, as the homies call it, I have had basically nothing happen. Well, that changed. Starting on February 15th I was leakin' some clear stuff outta "down there." It was not a ton but was way more stuff coming out than was normal. The doc had a look and was absolutely certain it was not amniotic fluid. In his defense he did a swab and it was negative. However, given certain creepy and gross events to be detailed momentarily, I can tell you without a doubt that it was absolutely amniotic fluid. There is a lot of stuff people don't mention about pregnancy and birth. Weird stuff constantly running out of every orifice is one of those things. So here is the creepy and gross part. At about 3am on the morning of February 17th I awoke to find my pad, underwear and pants soaked through with this mystery fluid. I called the nurse who was a floater from labor and delivery.

"Hey Floater [names have been changed to protect the innocent] um, do you think you could come here for just a sec?"

"Sure"

Click.

I went into the bathroom and changed my pad and undies and took off my pants. I made sure to leave it all on the sink for the nurse. You know nurses, it makes them feel special when you leave them little gifts like that. Crazy girls. I then sat on the side of my bed kindof in shock. Floater came in.

"Hey. So, a lot of fluid just came out of me and soaked through my pad and pants and stuff. It's on the sink"

"I'll be right back. We will put you on the monitor."

She came back with a swab and swabbed the pad. I watched. Its sort of a weird situation. I mean, yeah, I'm socially awkward but I don't think even the suavest of ladies would have known the appropriate thing to do.

"Okay. It is amniotic fluid. Let's get you on the monitors. Go lay down."

That's when the drama hit. Before I even got to the bed there were four or five nurses in there undressing me, putting IVs in, poking and prodding, getting a stretcher, calling the doctor, etc. This is when I got the shakes. Partly because I was naked (for a few minutes) and freezing and partly because it was a bit dramatic. I wasn't freaking out, not my style, and thankfully was still cracking jokes keepin those nurses laughing. I was shaking uncontrollably. It was seriously ridiculous.

This is where you need a little setting. To get into this section of the hospital you have to buzz or have a keycard to get through a locked security door because there are babies in there and apparently they keep those under tight lock and key. They don't want just anyone to walk out with one of those. The entire time I was there they were constantly having issues with the door not working and this night was no exception. One of the babies had messed with their lo jack and set off the alarm. Even though the lo jack had been fixed the alarm wouldn't stop, making it so that no one, not even security could open the door. Well, on the other side of that door was the doctor who needed to examine me. Typical. Excellent. Finally, after the nurses have me strapped to the millions of monitors, a new gown on and an iv in the doc is able to get in. She props me up for a super fun cervical exam and thankfully I wasn't dilated. Since they still don't know for sure whether labor is about to begin and some baby in there has broken water they rush me up on the stretcher (talk about an awkward way to see strangers in an elevator) to the high risk section of l&d. This is where the really fun stuff always happens. Remember that awesome night I had on mag? There was a an incident with a catheter you may recall? No? Well, go do some review. This is that place and guess what... I won the prize! Another 12 hour stint on mag! I know, I am still getting over the jubilation. It wasn't nearly as bad this time because the doctor was there a couple of the times I had to pee and so I was allowed to use the real toilet and all the other times my amazing nurse would just turn off the mag and let me go myself since I wasn't dizzy or weak. Glorious. I was NOT however, very good company for poor Eric. I literally slept the entire time. Even when they wheeled me (on a stretcher of course because I find that so comfortable) up to ultrasound and left me in the hall, I just slept. I was zonked. I was only allowed chicken broth and water. Most people are also allowed apple juice but, of course, I still had the GD (gestational diabetes).

At some point a doctor came in and said "Hi, I'm Doctor Lalalalalala. I met you when you first came in. God, you just keep eking this pregnancy along don't you?!" Yes. Yes I do.

Now when the water first popped I thought that meant we had to deliver. Apparently not. You can go for weeks and weeks with popped water because the baby just pees out more for itself. It is dangerous though because there is a high risk of infection. If your membrane is ruptured (read water broke) you have to be in the hospital until delivery. Also, if you are more than 34 weeks they will deliver immediately because the risk of infection outweighs the risk of prematurity at that point. Now we can all sing the little jingle from The More You Know.

So here I am with a ruptured membrane at 31 weeks, my cervix is still dilated and now basically completely effaced. The doctors had a big discussion and disagreement about whether they should just deliver me at 32 weeks or let me hold out for 34. Since my attending gets the final say I was told that I could hold on to 34 if and only if none of about 400 things happened. There could be no infection, no sign of infection, no labor, no empty sacs, no decels (decelerated heart rates) during any of my twice daily NSTs, and a list of about 394 other things. With all this they sent me back downstairs to wait it out. Things were different. I wasn't allowed to get up as much, wasn't wearing my own clothes (gowns only) and had to wear these weird hospital undies. They are mesh. No, I'm serious, like real mesh. I felt like a proud gay man. I was determined to go to 34 and keep these things cookin. Well... didn't quite happen.

Honestly We're All Just Chasing Our Tails

Gestational diabetes is so stupid. It's so so stupid. When I first got thrown in here they put me on the diabetic menu but never explained how to use it. Then I asked about it and they took me off of it so they could get some baseline readings. Of course it took about 4 days for the switch to get to food services. Eventually I took (and failed) the delicious glucose test from hell. So here's how it went after my big fail. Day one I find out I failed the test and
get put back on the diabetic menu. This time it only takes about a day to switch. Also, side note, the diabetic menu is exactly the same as the regular except sometimes you can choose a small piece of cheese or a hard boiled egg. It's not like a low carb menu or anything that would actually make sense. Anyway. Day two the nutritionist comes
and gives me a diet of 30 carbs at breakfast, 75 at lunch and dinner and 15 at snacks. Fine, no big deal. I think most of my generation and socio economic status is pretty comfortable with nutrition labels and counting calories and carbs, etc. For the next day I stick to that diet. My finger sticks are still too high so for lunch and dinner I bring my carb intake into the sixties. Still too high. The next day I bring it into the fifties. Barely ok. The problem now is that there are no low carb choices in the hospital. Actually, there really aren't many food choices in the hospital in general. So to get my carbs down I am just eating less food. This makes mama bear HUNGRY! I'm freaking starving all the time so one of the doctors decides on Friday that for the weekend I should eat however much I need to and they will watch my levels and decide on the appropriate medication to control it.

Now I am on the diabetic menu but not contained to the carb limits. The complication with that is the computer caps you out at 30 carbs so to get more food in the morning the food services girl has to tell me what else she has on her cart and give that to me. For the weekend I ate as I pleased (as much as thats possible on hospital food) and of course had to explain to every other doctor that walked in what the other had said since clearly they never speak to one another. Ironically, on Saturday and Sunday my blood sugar started almost exactly the same. I had the same thing for breakfast and then for both lunch and dinner had significantly more carbs on Sunday than Saturday. The results were that even though I ate more carbs Sunday my sugars were all within range as opposed to Saturday when I ate fewer carbs I was high at every finger stick. Bite me. Really, I am clearly making myself nutso over something that has absolutely no rhyme or reason. So, this morning the doctors said to continue eating my fill and I will get insulin injections twice a day. Fine by me. I would love to say that I am sure this will stabilize everything no problem but considering recent history, I have a feeling this will just lead to more blog posts.

Judgement Day

Dr Devine had said she would do an exam on Friday to help her

determine whether I should go home. Of course I woke up Friday and
spent ample time looking my prettiest. I shaved my legs and showered
and changed my shirt (I had no more clean pants so I had to wear the
same ones). I know. Clearly I was serious about this momentous
occasion given the massive amount of work that went into all that.
This was like the biggest day of my life since the mag stopped and I
got to pee. I knew she wouldn't be there til evening so I bided my
time crocheting. Yes, I finally got all those knots undone. Although I
also made a vow that I will NEVER purchase unwound yarn again. Why
they even make unwound yarn is a mystery to me. Yeah, okay, maybe it
is easier to package and maybe loomers or something need it unwound. I
don't care. It's a terrible idea. Back to the point.

At about 10 someone came to my room while I was sound asleep (I don't
sleep at night but I take lots of naps) and knocked on the door. When
she poked her head in she said, "You're Ms Silverstein?". I affirmed
rather groggily and she shut the door. I promptly returned to my nap.
A few minutes later, another knock. Same lady. This time, rather
annoyed, she says, "I'm here to take you to your ultrasound." Okay I
knew I was having an ultrasound but you never know what time so it's
not like anyone had said, "Be ready at ten." Second, she didn't say
that the first time. She just asked who I was. I am not a mind reader.
A billion people come in and out of my room everyday so I am pretty
sure there was no way for me to divine that you needed me for
something so I am not sure you need to be annoyed with me. I scrambled
to get on my flip-flops and grab my phone. I took a seat in my sweet
ride and we were on our way. By the time we got down the hall and to
the elevator the woman says, "Where's your bracelet?". "I have no
idea. It must have fallen off in my sleep.". Ha! you thought I was
annoying her before, well apparently that was just the beginning. "Uh,
you need that," she tells me. Ok well that's fine but I can't do
anything about that right here. She asks some buddy of hers that just
passed us to babysit me while she went back to my nurse and got
another wristband. Obviously, keeping my mouth shut for the rest of
the trip would have been the socially responsible thing to do.
Obviously, I am a social idiot so I continued to comment on things we
passed, make little jokes, compliment her, etc. It took a long time
for her various grunts of reply to communicate to me that talking was
not a sweet idea. Eventually we reached our destination and the
torture ended. Now, I had learned the first time I was locked up that
you have to bring something to do with you, thus the phone. Do you get
dropped off in the waiting area? Oh no. They park you in a hallway and
then you wait for a tech to come out and get you. Last time that was
about 45 minutes. This time it was only about 20. It's not like there
are a bunch of people in wheelchairs waiting. It's just you, awkwardly
sitting in the middle of a hallway meant for walking, watching people
pass by, having to see the same people go in and out and decide
whether you should smile the 38th time they pass you or continue to
pretend you are not sitting in a hallway and ignore. Here's me in the
hall:

Eventually I got the ultrasound, everything looked ship shape and I
got to go back in the hallway to wait for my ride back. Luckily it
only took about 20 minutes as opposed to last time when it took over
an hour and a half.

Eric came by that evening just in time for the doc to come by. It was
possibly the most suspenseful moment in history. We're talking more
suspenseful than every sports movie where there is a tie and it comes
down to the last play/second/shot etc. I got ready and laid back. When
she was done she said "Yeah, it's 3cm and about 90%". Then she walked
into the bathroom to wash her hands. Eric, somewhat trepidatiously
asks, "So what does that mean?". Her reply? You really wanna know.
Come on, if you have been on Facebook you already know. Okay fine. Her
words were, "Well, you're not going home". She said it just so it
sounded like "well obviously your not going home crazy person". It was
perfect. She said it just how I would have. A girl after my own heart
I tell ya. Anyway, point is I wasn't stable enough to go home and she
will re-evaluate at 32 weeks. She is also pretty amazing and so she
sat there and chatted with me and Eric about medical and non-medical
stuff for at least an hour. Sorry but you are just not as cool as her.
Get over it.

Yeah, being in the hospital isn't completely awesome. I am currently
suffering from severe Fenway dog withdrawal syndrome. My symptoms
include dreaming he is next to me at night, watching little videos of
him for like an hour at a time and missing him. See how smooth that
was? They should just give me a medical degree. That said, even though
I only write about the ridiculous, it could be a lot worse and I am
certainly not miserable. I think it helps that I had been on bed-ish
rest for several weeks before coming so it's not exactly like my daily
activities have changed tremendously. At home, I laid on the couch all
day watching tv and playing on the computer. At the hospital I lie on
the bed all day watching tv, playing on the computer and crocheting.
At home I wasn't allowed out of the house except to try and get my fat
self to doctor appointments. In the hospital I am only allowed out of
the flor when pushed to an ultrasound and the docs come to me. Not
what I would call a major lifestyle shift if ya get me. Believe it or
not it even has its perks. At home I pay 65 smackers every time I see
a doc plus 42 bucks in cab fare to get there and back. In the hospital
I pay a low flat rate for all you can eat doctor appointments. The
food still sucks though. Don't ever forget that.

I Would Have Gotten Away With It If It Weren't For You Meddling Healthcare Professionals.

The Test

In a very fun and exciting twist I recently found out I am the lucky winner of...Gestational Diabetes! The crowd goes wild. The week before I got put in the clink (so around the 21st) I had to go take my 1 hour glucose challenge. Every preggo has to take it and I am sure we all have the same story to tell. That story is that the garbage they make you drink is beyond horribly disgusting and anyone who says it tastes like orange soda has clearly never drinken orange soda because orange soda doesn't taste like crap. I went to a Quest lab. I had made an appointment the other day. Turns out it didn't matter because the joint was deserted. After ringing the bell at least 3 times, several minutes apart, I was finally buzzed in. The lady at the desk gave me the drink. I somehow didn't throw it up. And we (her, another phlebotomist) watched The Price is Right for an hour. They stole my blood and I was on my way. A couple days later Ms Social (see I Don't Know If Anyone Has Chained You To A Bed) called and let me know I had failed and had to take the three hour. I had a sinking suspicion I had the 'betes. I don't know why I thought so. I had no symptoms I just had a feeling. Anyway, I scheduled myself to do the 3 hour after my doctor appointment on the 27th. Well, we all all know how that appointment went down. It went down with me in a hospital bed wanting to pee desperately. That's how. So I never went to the three hour. Since I was given the steroids in the hospital to beef up all the baby lungs growing in me I couldn't take the test for several days. Apparently the steroids raise blood sugar. I guess. I didn't really ask mostly because any reason to put it off sounded pretty awesome. Anyway, they instead did finger sticks on me four times a day to make sure I wasn't having crazy high levels of blood sugar. They were always higher than they really should be but never in the danger zone where I needed insulin. Although they gave me insulin once even though I was under the number that the order called for. I didn't protest.

About a week after the steroid shots were done I got the word that I would be doing the three hour challenge starting first thing in the morning. The upside was that the nurse would just do it so I didn't have to actually go anywhere. Well, because this is ME we are talking about, I didn't sleep at all the night before. It had nothing to do with the test I just do that from time to time where I don't fall asleep for a night. It's generally no big deal because I nap a little the next day and then sleep nice and sound the following nights. The problem here is that when you are awake you are hungry, like, real hungry. You have to fast for the test so eating was a no no. So, the blood taker came in at 5:30 and of course I was still awake. I gave her my blood and she left. The nurse came in with the drink at like ten to six. Ok. I thought the one hour drink was wretched but heavens to Betsy, I had NO idea what wretched was. This one was Lemon Lime flavored. Instead of having the viscosity of water or soda, like the other one, this drink was more of a syrup. Check it out:

I give you this close up. Notice how it says, "Pleasant LEMON_LIME flavor". That is a horrible lie. They should be sued for false advertising. It should read, "Warning, this crap will make you throw up all over yourself".

By grace of God alone I somehow managed to drink it and keep it all down. I really don't know how I did it on an empty stomach. I felt horribly nauseated from then on but managed to not throw it up. The last thing I wanted to do was have to drink again. Side note, I found out that another patient who had actually thrown up the glucose got to eat 36 jelly beans instead in order to do the test. Why is this not a first option? Anyway, I kept it down. The nurse came an hour after finishing to take the second round of blood. Well, she told me not to sit up because I was nauseous and got her needle into a vein in the crook of my elbow. Good thing no blood cae out. None. Like, not a drop. So, I am not awesome with needles. From the age of about 9 to 21ish I literally fainted EVERY time someone stole my blood or gave me a shot. Without fail, bam, pass out. Luckily, I have gotten much much better and can handle it without fainting. Doesn't change the fact that me + needles does not equal awesome. Being starving, thirsty, hot and horribly nauseous didn't really elevate the situation either. She took out the needle and went for a vein in my hand. This time I sat up cause I was not going to do this three times. She found a vein in my hand and dug in. It took an egregious amount of time, especially since I usually bleed nice and fast. And I was so so close to dropping off. The second that thing came out I let myself drop onto the bed and she brought me some cold washcloths to put on my face. I laid there and stared at the wall for pretty much the entire next hour. An hour after that the day nurse came and took my blood again. It was significantly less dramatic as it was the hour after that. However, by this time I was so over people touching me. I definitely would not have been as horribly grumpy if I had had ANY sleep the night before but, of course, I hadn't. I thought the day would get better. It had to right? How could it get worse? Oh, well, remember that awesome NST (see A Day In The Life Of A Prisoner) I had where the doc had to come in and everyone was pushing me and laying across me to reach things? Yeah, that one. It happened the same day. I knew they were doing an excellent job so I would never be rude to them but after that I literally just wanted to scream "DON'T TOUCH ME!!!!!!" to everyone who walked in the room. Every time they took vitals that day or did my finger pricks I kindof wanted to stab them. More than kindof. I did some excellent yelling inside my head.

The Results

That evening my special resident who is extremely nice and seems quite competent at his job but comes off a little condescending when you are getting to know him, and who we shall call Chris because his name isn't Chris but he looks just like someone whose name is Chris, came to give me the results. You ready? Sure? Make a prediction! Which way do you think it is going to go? You are right. I failed. I think you cheated and saw my Facebook though. He told me that all the levels were elevated and explained what it is and how to treat it, blah blah blah. I told him to go home and do something fun for me. He's so selfish he said he just wanted to sleep because he had to be back at 4:30am anyway. Jerk.

The following day, after a nice sleep, the nutritionist came to talk to me. She gave me my very own special diabetes book:

She did a lovely job telling me all about my new adventure with GD and the exciting things that it would have in store for me. At the top of my list is no more sweets. So, anyone who sees me for like the month after the babies are born will only be allowed in if they come bearing sweets. Cakes, chocolate or sour candy, brownies, ice cream, whatever you have. Those bringing dark chocolate need not apply. You will not be accepted. The GD is actually completely manageable and considering all the terrible complications every doctor I spoke to at the beginning of this pregnancy told me would happen, this isn't a bad one. Plus, I only have to make reasonable nutritional choices for like 6 weeks at the most so no big deal. Also, I can still have Chipotle, just no tortilla. Of course that was the first thing I checked. What did you think would be the first thing on my mind? Don't underestimate me.

During the afternoon the diabetes educator came by with another pamphlet all about GD. She introduced herself and asked me to read the pamphlet and she would be back the next day to discuss. She did in fact return the next day to discuss. She was not old at all but she had that old grandmother feel to her. She was dripping in sweetness and lacking in sense of humor. I am incapable of having a completely genuine conversation with a person and rely heavily on sarcasm to cover my idiocy. Most of the time this gets me by. However, this lady did not get sarcasm. It made for some awkward moments of me explaining that my comments were a joke. In the end she was very helpful in showing me how to use my uber-sexy techno gadget, a diabetes meter. I know. Stop being jealous. Not everyone can live up to the high bar of immense coolness that I set.

Now I get to wonder how much this is going to cost me considering I find that often my insurance blows.

A Day In The Life Of A Prisoner

You might be wondering what the heck one does stuck in one room 24 hours a day. Think of it like prison with visitors. Some prisoners bulk up with handmade weights. I bulk up, mostly around the belly, using nature-made babies. Inmates are allowed to care for their personal hygiene, as am I. In fact, I have finally created a system to shave my legs. Let me be clear. Leg shaving is difficult when you can't actually reach past your knees while standing. It leaves those legs "patchy" to say the least. At home I can sit on the side of the tub and put my leg up and get to my calves that way. At the hospital they only have those tiny stand up showers where it is impossible to keep the water in the shower so you flood the bathroom every darn time you cleanse yourself. Then you have to dry off while standing in the ridiculous pool of water before you can use your towel to mop it all up. Then your feet just feel dirty from wading around in that so you have to wash them in the sink before putting lotion on. Maybe the last part is just me... Anyway, my shaving system. It requires much prep time and many props. I take a chair from the room (it's like a dining chair) and place it right in front of the shower. Then I get down the razor and body wash and put them on the chair. I cannot undress because after this I have to go put the chair away or I can't get into the shower because the bathroom is too small. So, I roll up my pants and get the shower head down (its one of those that is on a hose so you can manipulate it). Sitting in the chair with my legs in the shower I use my left hand t hold the shower head the entire time so it doesn't spray water all over the place and my right hand applies the soap and shaves the calves and knees. It takes a long time but I can do it and that is what matters. Here is a photo of my setup:

Prisoners have to do chores, to earn their keep. I have to do tests. Monday and Thursday we do NSTs (Please refer to I Don't Know If Anyone Has Chained You To A Bed) during the day shift and then during those night shifts fetal heart checks are done. They use the same equipment but an NST is 20 minutes of uninterrupted monitoring with the Toco (contraction monitor) and a heart check is one minute monitoring all baby hearts. On other days we do fetal heart checks followed by 20 minutes on toco only during the day shift and then fetal monitoring only during the night shift. Sometimes, these checks are easy and it only takes a few minutes to get a minute of monitoring or half hour to get a 20 minute NST. Somestimes, though, the babies are bad bad babies and hide from everyone. These occasions are not fun. First, I have to be on my back. Yeah, I've discussed it so often I won't bore you again with how absolutely ridiculous this position is for me. Secondly, people have to cover my belly in gel and push with all their might into my already very full and very contraction-y belly. Generally, after the nurse sets up the monitors and gets all the babies on she can go do her business while they get their required time on. Well, Monday's NST took....(insert mystery music here)...TWO HOURS. The poor nurse had to hold the monitors on at all kinds of awkward angles to actually be able to pick up the heart beats. Monday was a bad day anyway and this made me rather grumpy (sense the sarcastic understatement-ness of the last line? If not, go back and read it again with that tone). Wednesday's one minute fetal heart check took not only a whole hour it also took both a nurse AND a doctor to first, find everyone and then keep everyone on. They are so nice and keep saying, "If it's too much pressure make sure and let us know" as they push as hard as they can on all parts of my very hard belly. Of course I don't say anything. I'd rather just not be able to breathe for a while and get it over with. If they have to move then this whole thing is just going to take longer. Ridiculous. I told the babies that as soon as they cae out they were going straight to their incubators to think about their behavior. Following that lovely check I got to do Toco for 20 which really isn't bad at all. I can lay on my side and relax. I was pretty surprised after all that drama that I actually passed and didn't have to go on the IV. I was contracting every 3 minutes but that's pretty normal for me these days. I was very proud of my uterus.

These are the machines they use to measure all that stuff:

And this is what goes on my belly while they do that. Obviously I took this pic on an easy day. You can tell because there aren't a hundred people sitting on the bed pushing their hands and my stomach every which way.

Finally, convicts pick up new skills. Martha got a lovely crochet shawl from her inmate friend so I thought, of course, I'll teach myself to crochet. The first task was to wind the skeins into balls. This happened....twice:

So, not sure how well the actual crocheting will go considering I even made a ridiculous mess of the preparation. Doesn't bode well anyway.

Like, Oh My Word, Like, You Wanna See My Room?

Okay. Here it is.

First stop- my nest. I have created a nest on my bed so that the belly has cushioning on whichever side I am laying on. Tied to the bed are: my phone cord, my computer cord, the tv remote (it has a cord), the call button and the cord for the light switch. This way, I don't have to move this massive structure around every time I want to change the channel. Also, I can hang my glasses on the knots at night so they are easy to find in the wee hours when hundreds of doctors descend on me.

This is my information board. Almost none of that actually applies to me since I have not had my baby yet.

Here is the view from my window. I usually have to keep the shade drawn because, as I have said, it's 111 degrees in here. Remember, they cooled it down from 112.

This is my clock. For the first week-ish only the second hand moved. One of my favorite nurses took the initiative to change the battery so now it looks like the second picture. Yes, the time is 3:55. What do you mean it's confusing? Just because the hour hand is actually past the 4 even though its still only 3:55. Pathetic you guys. Learn to problem solve.

This is Eric napping in my bed on the weekend. Its a cozy nest when there are two chickens in there. Especially if one chicken is the size of a manatee!

Just so we are clear. I HATE IVs. I now look like I have some sort of frightening disease because they have to change the IV site every few days so my wrists each have two holes and counting. I wonder if the number of holes makes me easier for the aliens to track. Uh oh.

Hope you enjoyed the tour. Tune in next time to hear a little about my daily activities. Bye bye now.

Home Sweet Hospital

After my night of torture and terror, where I was saved only by a holy angel, Dr Devine re-checked my cervix and it hadn't changed anymore. This is good news. You can undilate or unefface but as long as it isn't progressing you are good. So, they deemed me stable enough to move back to the good old antepartum ward. Gee, I missed it there so much! Late in the afternoon a private room had opened up so they put me in there. Of course I was transferred right at dinner time so I missed dinner upstairs and downstairs. I had to ask the nurse about dinner. Well, perhaps you remember how well this went the last time. She informs me that I should have gotten dinner upstairs and that she doesn't believe there are any trays left. Ok, I don't know what to tell you lady. It's not like I was darting through the halls avoiding the dinner man on purpose. I am pretty sure I can't go from 12:30pm to the following day at 8:30 am without food. If you want me to go out and grab myself something that's fine. I would be happy too. After making sure I knew how utterly ridiculous it was that I did not take responsibility and demand to have dinner before I left, she went off to find me something. Despite her disgust she managed to wrangle me a tray from pediatrics so I had chicken nuggets and potatoes shaped like smiley faces.

I soon settled into a routine. I go to bed around 1am, wake up at 5:30 for vitals, stay awake until after breakfast, take catnaps between monitoring sessions and finger pricks until lunch. Then I really get into my day. I watch movies, play on the internet and chat with my buddy in Dallas who is only one day ahead of me and also confined to the hospital. I make sure to get in the requisite 4-5 hours of Animal Cops. I honestly do not know how there are so many episodes of that show. I watch everyday for hours and have only seen a couple reruns. It's amazing. They should get an award.

Everyday 30 or 40 people ask me the same questions and tell me to make sure I tell someone if anything changes. Yeah, got it. Early in the mornings there is lots of hustle and bustle. First, it's vital checks, then finger pricks for blood sugar, then your resident comes in to check on you and then about half the time you get to have teaching rounds come in. I love teaching rounds. They are so awkward but so hilarious. So, it's the attending, a couple residents and a bunch of students all come into your room at like 6am (so if I have dozed off a little I get a nice big awakening). The attending does the talking, asking the same questions that everyone asks all day long and then she looks around at everyone and if a resident wants to pipe in, they can. I try and say hello to everyone but look at the students because they are clearly the least at ease in the situation. Afterward there are a few more people checking up on you and then breakfast comes around 8:30.

Some things are great here. I have no doubt that if I actually needed specific medical attention I would get it immediately and it would be excellent. The problem really comes in that this is a big, big, big hospital and as with any huge organization there is bureaucracy. For instance, I wanted to get Eric a discounted parking pass. All you need is a letter from your doctor that states when your stay began and anticipates how long it will be. The website says to ask your social worker about it. First, I wasn't aware I had a social worker. Well, we knew the parking office was closed through the weekend so I said I would take care of it Monday. In the morning I asked the nurse to request the social worker get me the letter. No social worker Monday. I asked the nurse AND Patient Accommodations about the social worker on Tuesday. I waited and waited and about 4:30 (because parking closes at 5) I called the doctor's office myself. They are happy to give me a letter with the pertinent information but they will only fax it to my personal fax. They will not fax it to parking. At first, I didn't know what the heck to do. Clearly I don't have a personal fax here in the hospital. When I explain that I don't actually have a fax machine in the hospital she says to ask the nurse if I can fax it to the nurse's station. I am pressed for time so I hurry and ask. No. That fax machine is broken. Why wouldn't it be? Thankfully, I realize that Eric has a fax machine at school. I call his school and ask for the fax number. I call back the doctor's office and give them the number. It's past five now so there isn't much more I can do. When Eric is off work he calls and tells me their fax machine was out of toner so no fax. Good grief. I was wondering if this simple thing could be ANY more difficult. I realize that even when he does get the letter, parking closes at 5 and Eric doesn't get out til 7 so I really don't know how he is ever going to get this pass. By the grace of heaven he gets the fax the following day after the toner is changed. I call parking and they let me know that he will be able to pick it up in the garage after hours. He finally got the stupid pass almost a week after I was admitted. Timely.

The other thing that should have been easy but turned into an epic battle was re-filling the soap machine. I wasn't sure who did this so I asked the nurse. She spoke to the front desk about it one day. No soap refill. She spoke to someone about it the next day. No soap. I asked the Patient Accommodations lady the following day. No soap. Finally, after 5 days, a different nurse tracked down housekeeping and that afternoon the soap was actually refilled. I felt like kissing her. I felt like I had completed my odyssey and could die a happy woman. Homer will write epic narratives about my adventures.

So, I have mentioned this is a teaching hospital. Also, it's just a hospital (I know, surprising). That means that instead of seeing a doctor, you see bunches of them. Some attendings, some residents, some fellows, etc etc etc. It's just whomever is on that day. I think that the more minds working on a problem the better, most of the time. However, you should really get your act together before talking about plans with a patient. One day, the nurse came in telling me the doctors wanted to know about my "social situation" meaning where do I live, how many flights of stairs, who do I live with, etc.. This was kindof out of the blue so I asked her why they wanted to know and she said she wasn't sure but it didn't take a brain surgeon to realize they were thinking about sending me home. At this point I had only been really stable for a few days so I was a little worried about going home. Of course, no doctor ever came to discuss their thoughts with me. I am just the measly patient, right? The nurse asked a resident who just told her they were debating in-patient vs. out-patient care for me. Discussing it amongst themselves but obviously not discussing it with me. So the next morning my resident tells me he is going to try and get me released. He didn't ask any questions or inquire about how I might feel about that. No, no. He just smiled and left. That night before leaving the attending, Dr Calm came by to check in. She clearly hadn't planned on saying anything to me so finally I asked her about it and she was quite surprised that anyone had said anything to me. She said that at some point I may go home but certainly not that week and that if that decision needed to be made we would discuss my concerns before making a final decisions. I was happy with that answer but still a little irked that I had been told a bunch of different, vague things by different people putting me on this roller-coaster of "What was going to happen?". A couple days later my actual doctor was on and we had a nice discussion about it. She said that when she had heard that they were thinking of releasing me she had said just said no and made them realize that it wasn't time. We discussed that it is a teaching hospital and part of what they had to learn was how to present a plan to a patient. I assured her I really wasn't mad at anybody. I wasn't, just confused. She's pretty awesome so I was down with it. Her plan is to check me on Friday (the 11th) and decide from there based on what she sees. That made so much sense to me.

So, wanna know what I look like now? Like this:

A Passion for Urination

Following my first descent into the underworld of medical care (aka hospital stay 1) it was made very clear to me that if my cervix showed any significant changes during my weekly ultrasounds I would be thrown back in to be fed on by the nurses of antepartum. It made every ultrasound a more thrilling and suspenseful experience. Since I was lacking in thrill and suspense in my daily life, due to its home-bound nature, I welcomed the excitement.

It was a cold and blustery day in January, the 27th, to be exact. I exited my town car (read taxi) and climbed the harrowing distance to the door. Alright, too slow. I went to my ultrasound and, Yippee, my cervix was about 1.6 so no real change. Also, Eric got in trouble for using the wrong chair. I warned him not to bring in a different chair but he assured me no one would even notice but what was the first thing the tech noticed. Oh , you know what it was. She made him re-arrange but let him keep his choice of chair. Anyhoo, I then skipped giddily over to the doctor's waiting room, assured of my going home by the excellent cervical measurement. Eric had a snow day so he actually got to come with me which was exciting in itself. They were very backed up due to people not being able to get there for work and just the weather in general so we waited for at least an hour and a half. When we finally went back it was business as usual. Got my weight, checked the ultrasound report for the cervical length, etc. The doctor came in shortly and was asking about how I was feeling. I told her that my uterus had been feeling a lot tighter for significantly longer periods of time but it wasn't painful or regular or accompanied by cramping so it was probably fine. She delved a little deeper asking exactly what the tightening felt like, how long it had been lasting, how long it was lasting now, etc. Apparently, my idea of normal was actually NOT normal (typical right?). She was pretty concerned with the fact that I was literally contracting all the time. She did a cervical exam and I was 2cm dilated and 80% effaced. So, I bet you can't guess where I went.... Oh, how did you know? You're right. Back to the hospital. Luckily, I was significantly less petrified this time for several reasons. First, this was old hat now. I had done the whole l&d triage thing twice before. Second, I knew that no matter how the doctor's were talking, it didn't actually mean the babies were for sure coming right away. Third, we were past the magic 28 weeks which meant that, barring any outside complications, their chance of survival was in the high 90%s and their risk of long-term, debilitating effects such as cerebral palsy was greatly diminished.

The docs did the usual shenanigans. They hooked me up to thousands of monitors, checked my cervix for themselves, etc. They did notice that I was pretty much contracting every 2-4 minutes (this had been happening 24 hours a day for at least a week). Given the cervix and the contractions they had good reason to believe that true labor could be starting. They had 2 goals at this point, a. stopping the labor and b. preparing the babies in case they couldn't.

*All my sexy monitors. There are 3 heart monitors, 2 contractions monitors, a blood oxygen monitor and a blood pressure cuff. These stayed on throughout the night and added to that were more leg squeezers.*

Thus begins the true tale of horror and torture. I was not taken to the cozy antepartum ward where I spent those 5 carefree days in early January. I was taken to the high-risk area because I needed continuous monitoring, meaning the contraction monitor and fetal monitors needed to stay on at all times.

This is how I got into drugs. First they started me on a Magnesium Sulfate drip. This can help with contractions and also helps the babies’ brains develop a bit more quickly. The drug itself was a trip, especially in the beginning because they start you on a very high dose for the first half hour before lowering the dose for the remainder. I was sweating like a fat, fat pig, shaking, extremely drowsy and frankly, a little delirious. I tried calling my father just to say hi and he said I sounded pretty loopy. The Mag was through an IV (my favorite) that they also used to feed me fluids and some sort of sugar water since I hadn’t eaten since breakfast and couldn’t eat on the Mag. They also started round two of steroid shots. Each round is two shots given 24 hours apart and the babies can receive a total of two rounds. The last time I was in the hospital they gave me round one. So, this time they started round 2. Finally, they gave me some indomethacin orally which is supposed to help stop the contractions. So I was getting drugs through an IV, shots and pills. Someone should probably call Intervenion.

I looked amazing.

I wish I could say that the drugs were the bad part, especially the Mag which I have heard many understandable complaints about. Unfortunately, my real problem was a policy. Hospital policy is that patients on Magnesium Sulfate drips are not allowed to walk. Supposedly the drug can suddenly make you really weak and you can collapse. Well, think of one place I might need to walk to every half hour or so. Keep thinking. Got it? Yep. The bathroom. I was not allowed to walk to the bathroom. The first nurse I had while I was there had me try a bedpan by lying in bed and sticking it under my butt and telling me to just go. Right. Of course. Just retrain your body after years of teaching it to NOT pee the bed. No biggie. Clearly I couldn’t do it. Even though I really had to pee I could not pee while lying in bed. This has to be the only time this could ever be considered a negative. So, she inserted a catheter. Alright, I expected it to hurt going in. It did. Fine. I am not a whiner so I didn’t complain. Here is what I was not expecting. I already had that holy-crap-I’m-about-to-pee-my-pants, have-to-go-so-bad-it-hurts-like-a-mother feeling. When the catheter was in and very visibly working that feeling didn’t go away. It got worse and worse and more and more painful. I promise you I am not much of a complainer. They do all kinds of weird and uncomfortable things to me here and I always say, “No, I’m fine. It feels fine. Don’t worry about it.” After about three hours of that feeling and the pain that goes with it increasing I just started bawling. It hurt so incredibly badly. Of course, even though I had been telling the nurse that it was hurting, she simply couldn’t believe that it hurt that badly. Her comment to me was, "If it's uncomfortable enough to prevent you from sleeping we can take it out and re-insert when you need it." Seriously, "if it's preventing me from sleeping"? IT'S PREVENTING ME FROM BREATHING you crazy woman!!!! I told her she had to take it out, which she did. Well, when she pulled it out did that feeling go away? No. This is me we are talking about. Of course it didn’t. So I’m bawling and telling her it still hurts and she’s asking, “Why are you crying? Are you scared?” Are you scared? Are you kidding me? Though I may be crying my communication skills have not been that impaired. I am telling you why I am crying. It hurts. She is unable to process this information. Lucky for both me and her, her shift is over.

*Eric took these lovely shots while I was on all the medicine and having fun with the catheter. I especially like the top one where I look like I belong on the exorcist.*

*In the middle of the second shot is the back of the nurse's head*

Then an angel arrives. A sweet sweet angel sent from God himself. A woman I will never forget. After the catheter is out I know that my bladder is empty so trying the bedpan again will do nothing. The doctor comes by and tells me I am allowed water, which is such excellent news. I am parched since I haven’t had any water since breakfast. Also, because of the monitors I have had to lie on my back, which makes my nose completely clogged, impassible by even the slightest stream of air. Therefore I have been breathing out of my mouth for a few hours and have had no water. The other excellent news she brings is that the fetal heart monitors can come off and only one contraction monitor has to stay on. Hallelujah. Unfortunately, all of this is overshadowed by the intensely-sharp and unrelenting pain in my bladder region. This is where the angel comes in. I tell my new night nurse that I have to try the bedpan again. I am just praying I can go because it’s now been a totally of about 5 ½ hours since this feeling started. I told her that I wasn’t able to do it when the other nurse tried. And that sweet sweet angel said she would put it on a chair right next to my bed so it was more “toilet-like”. It actually worked. I have never in my life experienced such joy and happiness as I did when I finally peed that night. I had no idea I could ever have such a passion for urination. The immensely lightening feeling of relief made me want to cry. It was such a beautiful, beautiful thing. I have my doubts about my babies’ birth being able to live up to the ecstasy felt that day. She then took care of the bedpan and put it back on the chair so I could just use it whenever I needed to. I made excellent use of it. The Mag infusion finished at around 3:30 am and they also took the contraction monitor off at that time. I could finally roll on my side, use a real toilet and drink real water. After watching some Netflix on my phone I eventually fell asleep for a couple of hours. Dreaming about my new love, peeing.

Even In First Grade The Rule Is No Secrets

Well, I went for another fetal echocardiogram (yay, another $65 co-pay) during my house arrest period in January. Luckily, this one was in a different department than the last one (please refer to Choices, Choices, Choices). I don't know if I could have handled one more there.

My appointment had been for 1:30 but they had called and requested I come in early, at 12:45, because the doctor needed to leave early that day. I was ecstatic. Certainly, the wait would be diminished if the doctor wanted to leave! When I arrived there was no one in the waiting area. Like, literally, the receptionist was the only person there. I took this as an excellent sign. Well, I'm an idiot. I have been going to appointments several times a month for several months so you would think I would learn a thing or two. You would think wrong. I sat by myself in the waiting room for an hour, watching others come later than me and be called to their various appointments before me.

Finally it was my turn. I wanted to jump and scream like the next contestant on The Price is Right but somehow I held it all inside. It was the same tech that I had had before, for that ultrasound where I may have, okay, DID fart on her. She pretended not to remember and so did I. I think that was best for all parties involved. Luckily she is very nice and very "quirky" so I didn't feel too shameful for the ENTIRE time I was there. I believe I felt just the right amount of shame, actually. Before we even started two doctors came in. I don't have any idea what their names were so let's just call them Twiddly Dee and Twiddly Awkward. Firstly, this was my third fetal echo so I am pretty clear on procedure. The doc never never comes in until the tech finishes getting everything she can. This usually takes at least an hour. Second, I knew the doctor that would be doing the echo and this wasn't her. The twiddlies introduced themselves and then sat down while the tech began the scanning. As the tech was going through all the pieces Twiddly Awkward (who was clearly above Twiddly Dee) was explaining different parts of the anatomy that were being seen and what it should look like and what it might look like if there were a problem. I enjoyed this and thought it was interesting. Well, eventually, they started saying the same type of stuff, nothing specific about me per se but they decided to whisper. It was really weird. There are only 4 people in the room and I can tell they aren't saying anything confidential, just teaching so what is the whispering about? If you came to my classroom I wouldn't spend the entire time whispering to my associate. It's weird. Considering my lack of social adjustment, if I think it's weird then honestly, it must be really weird. So, eventually the main doc, who I am kindof in love with, we'll call her Dr Calm, poked her head in and asked what the progress was. She then told the tech to come get her when she was finished and that would give Twiddly Awkward enough time to do her turn. Insert abrupt scratchy record stop here. What is going on? Apparently Twiddly Awkward is going to look too. It's obviously not a big deal and will help pass the time waiting for Dr Calm but I wonder why she is looking. I have done this enough times to know this isn't standard. In no way did I get any sense that it was cause something was wrong but I was still super curious as to why she was looking. Well, when her turn finally came she was asking the tech a lot of questions about getting a better view and what certain vessels were on the screen so she obviously wasn't an expert. I thought maybe she was doing some data collection type research or just practicing her own skills because she may be a resident or a fellow or something. When she was at the machine I decided perhaps I could talk to her, considering she must be done whispering by now. I asked her what she was looking at, etc etc. All the answer she gave me was that she was looking at the same things the tech had been looking at. Wow. Thanks for that most informative answer. Just so we are clear, I don't care who looks at me or studies me or uses me as a teaching tool. I am at a teaching hospital so I actually hope they are teaching the students. However, I'm not sure why we are being all cloak and dagger about the whole thing. I highly doubt state secrets are depending on you not telling me what you and your Twiddly Dee are learning. As soon as she was done, she said goodbye and left, Twiddly Dee following right on her heels. Eventually Dr Calm came in and finished up. She said everything looked great and reminded me of the problems they cannot see until birth yadda yadda yadda.

Despite the dozens of doctors I have seen since then I have never seen either Twiddly again. I am pretty sure they were the aliens, tracking me through "the mark" (please refer to My First Descent).